What Do You Consider Cheating?

This question means different things to different people. Most people in traditional monogamous relationships believe sexual infidelity is cheating. Others believe it's deeper than just sex.

What if you're in a relationship and find yourself connecting with another person? Can you get all things you need from one person? Different people bring out different qualities of your personality.  But when you are in a committed relationship, should you give up these connections with other people? 

Is it cheating if you have a mental connection with someone? Could this be the definition of Friendship or is this an aspect of Cheating?

I have a friend who doesn't realize she is in a intimate relationship with a married man. Don't misunderstand me... they do not have a physical relationship. In fact, their interaction consists of strictly phone calls and texts. Their conversations are platonic in nature, no sexual banter.

But he shares his fears, dreams and frustrations with her, the things you would expect him to share with his wife. I've witness them talk for an hour with ease. He reaches out to her when he feels defeated, sad or even elated. He calls her every night to talk about his day. Her voice is the last thing he hears before he goes to sleep.

She is obviously filling a void in this man's life and he fills one in her's. She refers to him as a friend, but would his wife have the same understanding? Are they just friends or are the lines of friendship blurred? Is this cheating?

Does Passion = a Successful Relationship?

Webster's definition for "passion" is a strong feeling of enthusiasm or excitement for something or someone. How important is passion, desire and sexual chemistry in a relationship?

Do you have to be physically turned on to tune in?  

Some people will say physical attraction is everything while others will say it's not necessary. But all agree, having just physical chemistry with someone and nothing else is not a real relationship. As time passes, chances are it will never blossom into anything more than a fling. 

Don't get me wrong. I understand that sometimes in different periods of our lives, a fling may be all we want or need from another person. Seeking that... what I like to call, Za-Za-Zoo is very common. 

You know zazazoo, the burning primal reaction you feel for another person. Zazazoo has no rhyme or reason. Sometimes your carnal proclivities are sparked by the way someone moves, speaks or looks at you. 

But my query is those times you meet someone and connect with them on other levels but have NO zazazoo. 

If you don't feel passion for someone, are you settling or faking it? Can a relationship be completely fulfilling without zazazoo?

I posed this question to both men and women and received different thoughts. Men being very visual creatures follow the zazazoo trail and at times get caught into the net of their desires. While women on the other hand, many times they will forgo the physical zazazoo for the security of a stable guy.

Forgoing passion for the sake of being in a relationship seems to be daunting. You may ask yourself why would someone relinquish passion. After talking to a cross section of people here are several different rationales behind embracing the mindset of a "Zazazoo Free" relationship.

1. Friendship/Companionship
A Relationship with your best friend. Some people believe in this concept as they have gotten older. Enjoying spending time with your partner and truly having common interests is essential in a successful relationship. You must connect outside of the bedroom.  

2. Financial Stability/Security
There are people who believe financial security is the most important factor to have a successful relationship. They feel in order to build a life with another person, there has to be financial equality. Don't think this is an opinion strictly found with females. Many men want their partner to be financial successful as well.

3. Limited Interest in Physical Intimacy
Sexual compatibility isn't important to some who don't have a strong libido or those individuals who are unable to have a sexual intimacy.

4. Fear of Being Alone
Many times people get involved because they rather have someone in their life than being by themselves. Sadly, sometimes having this mindset can lead to an unhappy and dysfunctional relationship.  

Several years ago, I attempted to dated one of my platonic male friends. Everyone thought we would be good together but it didn't work. I didn't feel any zazazoo for him and never could see him passed the friend zone. 

Relationships mean different things to different people. We spark connections with people that develop into companionship, love, sex and/or for security. But in those quiet moments, when you are all alone, it all boils down to what makes you happy and fulfilled. What may work for you might not work for others. But one thing for sure, who and why you pursue a relationship is nobody's business but yours.

Is it okay to break up with a text?

My initial reaction was "No, never!" Until I recalled that I was in fact an offender of such an act. 

Now before you judge me, let's review the situation. l met a guy out of town when I was visiting my best friend. It was a set up from the start. He was my friend's boyfriend's good friend. Yeah, you know how that is. 

She texted me his picture and he was texted mine. He looked okay. We met and got along pretty well. We all spent the day together. Before I left town, we promised to keep in touch. 

Over the following months, we spoke and texted periodically but I soon realized it was not going to work. Our encounter was fun but strictly a moment in time. There wasn't enough sparks for me to pursue a long distance relationship. He seemed like he could be cool as a friend... nothing more.

I told him that I wasn't interested in anything more than a friendship. Without notice he flipped out, got weird and turned all fatally attraction on me.  He said, "I'm going to make you change your mind". Yikes! Cue the farewell text and number block. 

Was I wrong for that? He wasn't listening. We had invested no real time nor feelings. We barely knew each other. I felt it just wasn't worth going through any drama. Clearly we were not dating and our situation was nothing more than acquaintances getting to know each other. 

I think once you cross the friendship line and date on a regular basis or have a sexual relationship with someone, it is your obligation to break up the old fashion way. Most people will agree that text message break ups are messed up but the now you see me, now you don't routine has become an acceptable standard of behavior in the dating world. 


You know, "ghosting" the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone suddenly and without explanation by withdrawing from all communication." This has become so prevalent it is now in the dictionary. People don't think twice about doing it. It truly is the most inappropriate way to end any real relationship. 

In my circle of friends, when a guy abruptly disappears we all just say "he died". I think you owe the person you've been seeing the respect to break up either in person or at the very least over the phone. It's just the decent thing to do but why do people opt for the easy way out many times?

I understand that it is an uncomfortable situation when you realize you are done in a relationship. Many times you just don't want to deal well with confrontation or drama. Some people can become an emotional wreak during a break up. I get it, you don't want to witness their tears or pleas. Or even worse, some people can become extremely angry and volatile. Who would want to experience their wrath. But it's all part of the dating ritual sometimes good, sometimes not so good. In the end, the other person will appreciate your candor as long as you aren't arrogant or offensive. Stay respectful, open and honest so good things can come your way.

On a side note: if you are in an abusive relationship, leave by any safe way necessary. You can't fix another person and you don't owe them anything if they make you feel threaten or frighten. 

When Dating The Most Important Question to Ask...

Are you married?

I know..this seems like a question that you shouldn't have to ask. But sadly these days, it is the most necessary question to pose anyone that you consider dating. I have learned the hard way not to assume a married person will share their martial status with you openly. It sometimes ends up being a don't ask don't tell sort of thing.

Several years ago I met a guy (let's call him Gary) while at a mutual friend's birthday party. We danced and laugh all night and really had a good time. We connected.. and you know that is something special when it happens. Gary asked for my number and I gave it to him. The next day I called my friend and mentioned that I really had fun with Gary and I was looking forward to go out with him. My friend mentioned that she thought she heard he was engaged. 

Later that day, Gary called. I asked him if he was engaged. He said emphatically "No, I was once". I was happy to hear his answer and we made plans to meet for dinner that Friday. Friday night came and he took me to a fabulous restaurant. We learned that we had a lot in common and even knew a lot of people in common as well. 

The following week I was out with some friends and strangely his name came up because they all worked in the same industry. One of the ladies made a comment about his policewoman wife. I was stunned by the news and could only remained silent.  

About midweek, Gary called and immediately tried to secure a date for Friday. I interrupted and asked him if he was married. He didn't hesitate a bit and quickly replied "Yes" and kept talking about Friday night. I interrupted again and said, "I asked if you were engaged. Why didn't you tell me you were married? Why did you feel you had to lie?" He responded, "I was honest. I was engaged once. You didn't ask if I was married." 

I believe the term for this practice is splitting hairs. Needless to say, we never went out again. Luckily we only had a couple of dates and nothing ever really developed but clearly he wasn't going to be forthcoming.

Since then, I have been on high alert to detect married men. I have found there are a lot of married men in the dating pool. A couple of weeks ago, I watched a man remove his wedding ring just before walking over to talk me. The other day a man approach me wearing a wedding band. I asked him "Are you married?" He revealed "Yes, but you didn't ask me if I'm happy." Wow really?

But surprisingly enough, I have more respect for that guy because he is NOT trying to play the I'm single card. Any women that chooses to deal with him knows ahead of time what she's getting herself into. I'm not here to judge and I know there are many women that will date married men. But for me, it's not my thing and because of that; of course they flock to me. 

Has a Couple Argued in Front of You?

Friday night I'm out with a group of friends (four single ladies, two single men and one couple.) I usually don't like hanging with couples. They tend to get lost into their own world but since it is the holiday season, I broke down and agreed.

As I sipped my very tasty dry martini savoring the delightful burn of the vodka, I overhear something that friends should never hear; the couple bickering. 

My good time comes to a screeching halt. Can you say Awkward! This has to be one of the most uncomfortable situations to be subjected to witness. The worst part about it was -- my girlfriend was the aggressor.

At first I ignore their disagreement hoping it was going to end as abruptly as it began. It did not -- it escalated and everyone else at the table became aware of it. We all were uncomfortable because she was insulting and disrespectful.

We watched in horror while she berated this man in front of us, while he tried to calm her down. He was respectful to her and I wondered to myself how could this man put up with this type of behavior?

I was amazed by my girlfriend's actions. If you see a man bullying a woman, someone will come to her rescue. Women are viewed as the weaker sex and in need of protection.

But if the bully is a woman, why is the man left on his own?

 

After the couple left, I asked that question. My female friends collectively agreed that he probably did something to deserve it. Saying, in relationship you have to take the thorns with the roses. I think I rather be single if the thorns are disrespect.

They also felt she must have had a bad day. What! Having a bad day doesn’t give you the right to disrespect someone in front of others.

The men immediately chimed in, “It’s his own fault, she’s crazy and he needs to learn how to handle his woman.” Handle his woman… what a concept. Is that possible? Do men really think they can handle women?

I soon realized that blaming the victim became a blatant theme. I was approached by a random woman in the ladies room. “What did that guy do?” she asked, waiting to hear some sorted details of deception. 

Despite their obvious differences in their assessment of the situation, both the women and the men blamed him… the victim. Why does society blame the victim?

Sociologists suggest that “blame the victim” mentality is often built into the fabric of a community. Those with this belief tend to think that when bad things happen to people, it is because these individuals are bad people or have done something to deserve their misfortune.

Disrespect from whoever is intolerable. You shouldn’t accept it, especially from someone that claims to care about you. The reality is… the first time someone steps over the line with you. They don’t know how you will react. So if you don’t react the first time -- it makes it so much easier for them to cross that line again.

You must express your feelings and make it clear that you will not tolerate their disrespectful behavior. You have to explain, if it continues you no longer will be in a relationship. Then you have to stick to your words because if you don’t, you’ll find yourself in a very dysfunctional relationship.